I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
