Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
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your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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