remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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