I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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