How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
