I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
