he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
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Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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