is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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