i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I smell stomach acid.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
