woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
