my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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