Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
