I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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