Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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