Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
