"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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