this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
