I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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