i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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