By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
