I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up