I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
