I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
