She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
