??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
