I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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