So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
