she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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