Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
