She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
