Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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