I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
