I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
