I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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