Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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