How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
from now on my penis is your penis
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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