don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
