Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
