i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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