Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
