i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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