I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
