New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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