I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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