did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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