my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
