dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
