My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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