he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
