I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
