Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.