i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.