He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.