I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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