btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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