Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
