Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
