Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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