i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
