Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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