I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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