i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Couch. On fire.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
