she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
