so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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